Chronicles of Jeff Davis

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Interview and Quotes

An interview from Jeff about Happy Family and plenty of quotes. (If anyone has any other interviews or quotes please send them to me! As usual, I won't claim ownership of them.) None of these things are mine.

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"Seeing Stars" Interview"
video interview, transcribed by cortney, webmistress of WBKT (link on the links page)

Do you relate to your character [Todd Brennan]?
I do relate to my character because, uh,John Laroquette and Christine Baranski are kinda like bizzaro versions of my parents. They kinda look a little similar, they don't look just like 'em,but kinda like same shape and size. So being around them was kinda like being around my parents. And uh, my character Todd is a guy who is supposed to have his act together, supposed to be the one kid who's not a complete screw-up. But he does screw up. And, I relate to that because I feel in my family expectations were always high on me. I was supposed to always get the good grades and do everything right, and then when you didn't it was extra disappointment. Like when the expectations are high, the disappointments are great, so I relate to him in that capacity.

What's your sign?
I am a Libra, which means I am into fairness, and if I date cancer women, then horrible things happen. *pause* terrible, terrible things happen.

What TV show from your childhood would you guest star on?
I have a series of dreams about being on shows. I dream all the time about being on old TV shows. One time I dreamt I was JJ from Good times, and I made out with my sister Thelma. So there's that one. And then one time I dreamt I was on Gilligan's island, and I was Gilligan, but I was me, I didn't look like Bob Denver, I didn't look like him, I looked like me. And I was making out with Ginger and Maryanne at this house party. And uh, the skipper and the professor kept coming in, trying to block the action. Kept coming in, knock on the door be like "*mumble*" and the skipper had like a magic eight ball and the professor, that was gonna get us off the island, but we were like at a house party. So it was all like crap, because we weren't even on the island. They were jealous I was making out with the girls. And I never really forgave them for that. I guess if I had to be on a TV show, it would be Gilligan's Island so I could settle some scores.

What's your number one pet peeve?
I don't like the guys that call you Boss, or Big Guy or Chief. I don't like that. I don't like it, I don't know you, I'm not your boss. If I am your boss, you're fired. I don't like that guy. I don't like the tapping people. The people at the restaurant, you know you're sitting at the bar or counter, doing *makes tapping motion* just tappin. I don't like that guy, don't be the tapper guy. Don't make your nervous energy my nervous energy.

What actor/actress/performer did you have a childhood crush on?
Everybody, Everybody. To me, TV was like, I mean you could be fully clothed, if you were a woman on TV I was in love with you. I was obsessed. It was like the most pornographic, I mean everybody. I had a crush on everybody. Remember, there was a video for Young MC's Bust A Move. If anyone remembers the music video for that, a part where they go "Break It Down" *beatbox*. There was a girl in the music video, with short dark hair and she had these little short shorts, hot pants on, and on the butt there was a stop sign, and she was like shaking her butt, said "stop". I think Flea was playing bass. Oh man, I loved her, loved her.

What is your favorite website?
Yes, Funniest website on the Internet.


Whose Line is it Anyway?

Whose Line?:

"I didn't want the visual."
-(Reason for failing repeatedly to guess Colin's quirk of an angry neighbor taking a bath)

"This escalator doesn't go anywhere!"
-(Props... using two small white curvy things)

"Quite frankly my dear, I don't give a Spam."
-(Scenes from a hat...product placement in famous lines)

"(as E.T.) Elliot...dial one eight hundred three ten one two one! It's cheaper rates"
-same as above

"...I am going to heal you chicken, and you are going to be able to fly. But you have to fly by faith chicken.
::taps on "chicken" and it falls straight down::
-(Remote Control-style of TV evangelist. )

"Just when you thought Will and Grace was the gayest show on TV...
::others point to wedding rings. but Jeff has none
::Jeff then grabs Colin and kisses him::
-not really a quote but more entertaining then one

Colin, Ryan, Wayne, Jeff: Ohhhhh, Aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di
Colin: Oh, I feel much better
Ryan: I think I'll go back home
Wayne: And then after I'm finished
Jeff: I'll marry a lawn gnome
Colin: Boy, that'd be so beautiful
Ryan: As happy as can be
Wayne: Because I don't care too much, you see
Jeff: For my lobotomy!
-(Lobotomy Irish Drinking least part of it.)

" We're gonna open up our books now to second Timory. "
-(Duet, Gospel, to Timory the dental hygienist)

"All right, I got everything for the party, I got the food, I got the beer, I got the baby oil... lets start this thing!" ~Hosting Party Quirks

"That's right. Thats ri- No, slower..." ~What cows are thinking while being milked

"Let's all turn to Chickamiah Chapter 2, Verse 3: and the Lord said unto the chickens of Israel: Thou hast befowled the Earth!" ~Remote Control

"Aw, dude, we scared her off, man, we scared her off..." ~To Ryan after guessing Colin's Playboy quirk.

"Why, mother, why... I'm Jeff Goldblum, of course... Why, Mother, do you continue to cook food that the family doesn't like, and isn't healthy... Why. Mother? ~ Questionable Impressions

"It's a boy? Yeah!!! (throws down imaginary baby) ~ If you celebrated mundane events as if you scored a touchdown.

The Horserace announcer Quirk for Weird Newscasters

"Thank you Wes, and welcome to continuing coverage of the Los Angeles riots downtown. We've got a lot of cops lining up at the gates right now, and a lot of protesters. In top seat is the policeman Most Likely to Beat You, Most Likely to Beat You is coming in at 10 to 1, and right across the gate from him is I Just Want My Freedom, Darn You... And... They're off! Most Likely to Beat You starts off by pounding I Just Want My Freedom, Darn You in the face, oh, it's a neck and neck race. They're running now! They're running downtown Los Angeles, and, oh, he's beating in the 1st leg, he's on the 1st leg, he's beating him, he's beating him in the 1st leg, they're neck and neck, they're beating each other's necks, we'll come back as we have more."


"Now I have to kill her. If I don't I 'll look like an idiot."
-Jeff as Blood Mamba

"You are a stupid robot, I am a genius, you can't beat me"
-Jeff as Blood Mamba

Downer Channel

"I'm not wearing any pants"
-the best of the two IMHO

"Mom, Dad, I'm melodramatic! *turns up cheesy music*
- Episode 2

On The Spot

" It's called "Wide Load Comin", its the Jennifer Lopez story!"
-One Star Hotel

Happy Family

"Todd: "Mom, Mom, there are plenty of girls I pretended to like, even slept with. I never called half of them. (To Sara) You just can't know what a guy is thinking."
Sara: "I didn't sleep with them."
Todd: "Well, no wonder why they're not calling."

Todd (looking at the sandwich in his hand): "They're good. They're not expressway good."
--Tim's Blank

Sara: "I went to college and now I make a very comfortable living."
Annie: "She drives a car with a moonroof."
Todd: "Look, I thought we were here for Tim, not to blow smoke up Sara's ass."
--Tim's Blank

Sara (entering, to Todd): "Wanna see something cool? (She pushes the button on her car alarm remote.) What is that? Like, 30 yards? I can even open my trunk from here."
Todd: "Do that, would you? There's something I wanna shove in there."
--Tim's Blank

Peter: "I was right all along. Too much fish is bad for you."
Todd: "I hear what you're saying and see your excitement, but I can't match it up."
--Sara Rebels

Todd (getting up from the couch): "I'm gonna lead with a compliment here. I applaud the fact that you're trying to rebel." *Todd sits down on the arm of the couch.*
Sara: "Thanks, Todd."
Todd: "But I boo everything else."
Sara: "But it - - I - - "
Todd: "Booooooooooooo!"
--Sara Rebels

Sara: "Boo?"
Todd: "Worse than boo. Hiss."
--Sara Rebels

Tim: "I think I may have a problem. Mrs. Gardner wants to sleep with me."
Todd: "And you don't want to sleep with her."
Tim: "No, I do."
Todd: "Tim, you might be using the word 'problem' differently than other people."
-Bye Bye Birdie

Todd: "We went to dental school together. The first week he broke my scraping hook. The next
week, I cracked his tiny mirror. We've been going at it ever since."
Alex: "Wow. Two dentists in a heated rivalry. It's almost biblical."
-The Headboard

Todd: "I went to get a cop, but, uh, he couldn't come with me because he had an emergency."
Tim: "What kind of emergency?"
Todd: "Uh, there was a baby stuck in a tree.
-the Headboard

Todd: "Wow. Two chicks about to make it. Every man dreams of this, but that dream never
includes your sister."
*Annie looks at Todd*
Todd: "Or your Mom sitting next to you."
-Sara's Secret

Todd (in regard to the protien cake Tim made): Is there chicken in this?
-The Juicer

Todd: "This wouldn't happen if you just let her date Cousin Jeffery
Peter: Don't be ridiculous
Todd: I'm just saying he expressed interest and it's technically legal"
-The Juicer

Todd: "This night can't get much worse"
Baby Fiscal New Year Guy:" Dance with me"
Todd: "That wasn't a challenge"
-The Juicer

Drew Carey's Green Screen Show

Jeff: "I think the best way to keep things baby-proofed is to eradicate babies as a species. No more babies!"

Jeff: "I'll tell you what happened to gay goats... General Gaygoats was murdered!"

Drew: "The last time I saw you I said... [picks sentence] Can I use your toenail clippers?" Jeff: "And then you tried to kill him with them!"

Jeff: "I'm not sure how to break this to you Ron, but you're milking my bull."

Jeff: "How long was I supposed to wait?" Greg: "For the punchline." Julie: "Yeah, the punchline." Jeff: "Fine, let's hear how f***ing funny it is..."

Colin Mochrie: [playing New Choice "How to Box"] Endurance is very important. Jeff Bryan Davis: New Choice! Colin Mochrie: Running away from your opponent is very important. That's why I train with a skipping rope. Jeff Bryan Davis: New Choice! Colin Mochrie: That's why I use a unicycle. Jeff Bryan Davis: New Choice! Colin Mochrie: That's why... I... stand and think about what great shape I'm in...

Jeff Bryan Davis: French Fry Kid stepped through the door. Strode... Stridently. Chip Esten: What a strident stroder you are, he said to him. Colin Mochrie: Strodent, really.

[New Choice] Jeff Bryan Davis: I brought you to Tahiti because only in Tahiti, there's no telling what we're about to do. We're about to battle to the death. Jonathan Mangum: With swords? Greg Proops: New choice! Jonathan Mangum: With... knives shaped like swords? Greg Proops: New choice! Jonathan Mangum: With... tired monkeys?

[After "Moving People," where audience member Tony has moved Greg way too much.] Drew Carey: Anybody have any questions while we're stopped for a while? Greg Proops: Yeah, yeah. Is that guy on a work furlough program? 'Cause he seems not to have had human contact in quite some time. Hey, could that guy come out and beat the shit out of me for a while longer? That was great. Jeff Bryan Davis: Kids, those are show business terms. Greg Proops: Oh, are there children here? Terrific. Drew Carey: Yeah, right in the center. Greg Proops: Have you seen a grown man fondle another grown man that much? I love the feeling of a man's hands all over my body. I don't remember when I've ever felt that manipulated. Now you know how Pinocchio felt. That was no Pleasure Island, my friend. Have you ever had your floating rib manipulated up and down? Reminds me of how I got on the show, Drew!

[Styles; Topic: "Underwear"] Jeff Bryan Davis: What are you doing in my room? Chip Esten: What are you doing in my underwear?

[New Choice] Jeff Bryan Davis: In case it gets messy, I'm going to put on my goggles. Brad Sherwood: New choice. Jeff Bryan Davis: I'm going to put on a tutu and dance. Brad Sherwood: New choice. Jeff Bryan Davis: I'm going to put on a new accent. He, como estas? Brad Sherwood: Old choice. Jeff Bryan Davis: I'm going back to the tutu.

Jeff Bryan Davis: [playing one-syllable words "At the Racetrack"] Why would you put a sick horse in the race? Colin Mochrie: I need... dough. If he was not in the race I would get no dough! Jeff Bryan Davis: Do you know how much I lost? Colin Mochrie: How much? Jeff Bryan Davis: I lost... a... lot! A whole lot! Colin Mochrie: I'll make it up to you. Jeff Bryan Davis: How? Colin Mochrie: Get on... the horse. Colin Mochrie: Hi ho... horse! Colin Mochrie: Feel the speed! Jeff Bryan Davis: How does this make it up to me? Colin Mochrie: ...It's free! Jeff Bryan Davis: Oh! This is fun! Colin Mochrie: ... Turn!

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